Post by davo on Jun 22, 2005 4:35:00 GMT -8
Dear diary,
I went swimming with Rachel tonight, for the first time in a long while and my goodness did we talk.
She was telling me about her prospects for the future, and she has it all planned out. Vaguely, I'll admit but at least she has a plan there. Whilst telling me this something (probably God) was telling me "This isn't the way your life should pan out. You wont be happy". Or at least that was the distinct feeling I was getting. You see, my newest plan had been to focus on God and push Rachel to the back of my mind. If anything were to happen it would happen in God's time. But after Rachel saying all that and me feeling how I did the bit about having Rachel in my mind, just at the back, seemed a bit pointless. So I told her this and she wasn't too helpful to be honest. We talked for a while and she told me that that is what she does with Marriott so I reminded her that Marriott hasn't told her he never wants to be with her in the future. She agreed that my situation was different for that reason and we left it for a while.
When talking over the changing room walls I plucked up the courage to ask her the question I dreaded the answer to. I asked her if she was truley sure that we didn't have a future. My answer went roughly as follows:
"Me and Carol have both prayed on the matter together and seperatly. All times we've concluded that you're not the one for me. There are so many Christian boys in my life and I know which ones I could consider marriage with and which ones I couldn't. Like you know, I've told God that I don't wish to be with you and I have faith that he wont put something upon me that I don't wish. See, Dave even if God did tell me that you were right for me my feelings for you wouldn't change. I just don't want it to happen. It's not what I want in my life."
That sounds really harsh, but it's my paraphrasing what has done that. She was actually very loving and I appreciated her honesty. I was sad, and I guess I am still sad writing this but I think I've realised that Rachel isn't going to be my girl. I just hope that I can get myself with God in such a way that this doesn't begin to really start hurting. I would like to just get over Rachel and be her friend. It's strange, though. I will always find her attractive and I think I know that. So in that respect things will be hard.
*sigh*
Big change in my life...
I went swimming with Rachel tonight, for the first time in a long while and my goodness did we talk.
She was telling me about her prospects for the future, and she has it all planned out. Vaguely, I'll admit but at least she has a plan there. Whilst telling me this something (probably God) was telling me "This isn't the way your life should pan out. You wont be happy". Or at least that was the distinct feeling I was getting. You see, my newest plan had been to focus on God and push Rachel to the back of my mind. If anything were to happen it would happen in God's time. But after Rachel saying all that and me feeling how I did the bit about having Rachel in my mind, just at the back, seemed a bit pointless. So I told her this and she wasn't too helpful to be honest. We talked for a while and she told me that that is what she does with Marriott so I reminded her that Marriott hasn't told her he never wants to be with her in the future. She agreed that my situation was different for that reason and we left it for a while.
When talking over the changing room walls I plucked up the courage to ask her the question I dreaded the answer to. I asked her if she was truley sure that we didn't have a future. My answer went roughly as follows:
"Me and Carol have both prayed on the matter together and seperatly. All times we've concluded that you're not the one for me. There are so many Christian boys in my life and I know which ones I could consider marriage with and which ones I couldn't. Like you know, I've told God that I don't wish to be with you and I have faith that he wont put something upon me that I don't wish. See, Dave even if God did tell me that you were right for me my feelings for you wouldn't change. I just don't want it to happen. It's not what I want in my life."
That sounds really harsh, but it's my paraphrasing what has done that. She was actually very loving and I appreciated her honesty. I was sad, and I guess I am still sad writing this but I think I've realised that Rachel isn't going to be my girl. I just hope that I can get myself with God in such a way that this doesn't begin to really start hurting. I would like to just get over Rachel and be her friend. It's strange, though. I will always find her attractive and I think I know that. So in that respect things will be hard.
*sigh*
Big change in my life...