Need some advice, please.

[Teg]

So most of you know that my youngest daughter is turning one on Saturday. As with any child's first birthday, our family tends to go all out. That's fine and doesn't bother me. What bothers me is that my mom and step-dad split up a few months ago after seventeen years of being together.

Yesterday, my mom texts me and says, "I'm going to have an issue if your step-dad is there on Saturday for Chloe's party." When I asked her why, all she said was it's not that she doesn't want to see him or be around him; rather, it's that she can't because she's still too emotional to handle it. While I love my mom and she's my mom, I agreed to un-invite him as this is the first birthday party for the first birthday of one of her grandchildren that she'll be able to come to. 

The problem is, I don't want to hurt my step-dad's feelings and I don't know how to tell him he can't come without doing that. This would also be the first birthday party he'd be able to attend for one of the grandkids. 

Yes, he's my step-dad, but he pretty much raised me and I call him dad. Just for those who think that step-dad's don't matter.

Now, he's gonna be here soon and before he leaves I need to break the news. Any ideas on how I can go about it without hurting his feelings?

[wildmaven]

While this is a tough time for your mom, it's also a tough time for your stepdad, both of whom are entitled to spend time with a grandchild during their birthday. I would recommend that for this first birthday that you do a birthday breakfast with the stepdad and a birthday lunch with your mom. For future years, they need to remember this: how this child views relationships and kindness will be based upon the reactions she sees throughout her years. Mom and stepdad will need to learn to tolerate the presence of the other if they are to be invited to these kinds of events.

[Graham]

It's a day for your daughter, not for them.

If they can't put aside their issues and differences for the sake of your daughter, that's their problem. Not yours.

[Cuethelaugh]

I mean.. I'm not part of the situation BUT.. Stepdad is just a title. If this man was instrumental in your life like raising you, paying for things, and loves you.. It's kind of sucky because of a breakup (that they should handle like adults for you and your daughter's sake) that he gets knocked out of it just because of the title and not the time he put in. If you guys aren't close then I totally get it but I feel for him..

I would just tell your mom what's more important : How much she loves you and your daughter or her dislike for another person (who she spent 17 years with so can he be that bad)?

Then again I don't know the situation. Just what you wrote here

[Teg]

She still has feelings for him and he's moved on with someone we all know. That's part of the issue. I did tell her it was not fair to my daughter, us or the rest of the family. My sister is visiting from out of town and will be here too.

I told her the girlfriend wasn't coming and she still says she can't handle seeing him. It's frustrating.

[Cuethelaugh]

That really sucks and I get how she could be hurt..

At the same time she needs to know he was a part of her life and it's really not right to put you in that position.

[daniel]

Dec 29, 2015 14:29:30 GMT -8 wildmaven said:

While this is a tough time for your mom, it's also a tough time for your stepdad, both of whom are entitled to spend time with a grandchild during their birthday. I would recommend that for this first birthday that you do a birthday breakfast with the stepdad and a birthday lunch with your mom. For future years, they need to remember this: how this child views relationships and kindness will be based upon the reactions she sees throughout her years. Mom and stepdad will need to learn to tolerate the presence of the other if they are to be invited to these kinds of events.

I 2nd this.

I'm inclined to think that maybe mom needs the benefit of the doubt this year. I like Marian's suggestion to have breakfast with grandpa and then lunch/dinner with grandma and the rest of the family. For future events, both of them should be adults about it. If one party isn't able to then I'd opt to spend the most time with the reasonable one and the short "breakfast" with the unreasonable one. This is assuming it was a reasonably amicable split with no abuse and other bad circumstances.

[cheddarmouse]

Not to say that your mother isn't entitled to her emotional condition, I'm sorry for what she's going through but this is supposed to be about the child, Chloe needs to come first not your mother's problems. If she can't set aside her issues with your step-father for her granddaughter than she's the one that shouldn't be attending not your stepfather. 

Invite them both and make your mother deal with it or be uninvited. Can they not just occupy separate sides of the room or area so that they'll never have to interact? This is how a couple of friends who aren't getting along were able to co-exist at my best friend's wedding reception back in June, by keeping far from each other and ignoring each other if they had to cross paths. 

Neither your daughter or your stepfather should be the ones getting the short end of the stick when the issue is not theirs. 


If you must indulge, however, then just celebrate twice, once for each of them separately. One day for your mother and one day for your stepfather. 

[Teg]

Well, he was over for dinner tonight and we discussed it and he was very understanding as he'd feel the same way if the situation were reversed. They had a great relationship, no abuse or anything like that. It's just too soon I guess. We're doing the party with mom and the rest is the family on Saturday then spending the whole day with him on Sunday. All is well for now. Thank you all for the advice and kind words.

I swear, when it comes to my parents I feel like I'm dealing with teenagers half the time lately. Lol

[wildmaven]

Glad it all worked out and that he's understanding of the situation.

[Matt]

Dec 29, 2015 19:43:06 GMT -8 Teg said:

Well, he was over for dinner tonight and we discussed it and he was very understanding as he'd feel the same way if the situation were reversed. They had a great relationship, no abuse or anything like that. It's just too soon I guess. We're doing the party with mom and the rest is the family on Saturday then spending the whole day with him on Sunday. All is well for now. Thank you all for the advice and kind words.

I swear, when it comes to my parents I feel like I'm dealing with teenagers half the time lately. Lol

Great to hear it's all worked out now. I do agree that eventually they may need to work out their issues, but it's grea to hear you got this solved.

[Teg]

I'm sure it will work itself out. They love each other, but he's dating someone else. It hurts her because it's someone she knew well, and she's not over him. It's life and she's the one that ended things because she just wasn't happy. When it first happened, she drunk texted me for relationship advice. I never thought I'd see the day she'd ask me for relationship advice. Haha, it's suppose to be the other way around.

[Former Member]

Teg:
I do hope that your folks will work things out.

[Scott]

Dec 29, 2015 19:43:06 GMT -8 Teg said:

Well, he was over for dinner tonight and we discussed it and he was very understanding as he'd feel the same way if the situation were reversed. They had a great relationship, no abuse or anything like that. It's just too soon I guess. We're doing the party with mom and the rest is the family on Saturday then spending the whole day with him on Sunday. All is well for now. Thank you all for the advice and kind words.

Glad it all worked out. 

I swear, when it comes to my parents I feel like I'm dealing with teenagers half the time lately. Lol

And why not?  We tend to see our parents as these pillars in our lives, but in reality they're just people like you and I that are trying to make it through each day like everyone else.  We often forget that.     

[cheddarmouse]

Teg, I'm glad to hear the situation was resolved and in a civil manner. Your Stepfather sounds like a class act. 
I still maintain, however that it was inappropriate for your mother to make her issue your burden especially when it's a time to celebrate someone both her and your stepfather love but as long as you are able to make it work that's what matters most. 

They should aim to work things out with each other before the next family event, however. They can't keep expecting you to be gracious about it but that's another story for another time that isn't your responsibility. For now just enjoy your daughter's birthday.