How do you deal with bad news?

[Michelangelo "Spike" Scarlatti]

So I got bad news about my mom and all I have been doing is crying. I try not to cry around her so I don't worry her more. 

But I feel like I can't take this anymore.

[HoudiniDerek]

I'm sorry to hear this. *Hugs*

It honestly depends on what the bad news is and who it impacts.

[Michelangelo "Spike" Scarlatti]

Jul 30, 2020 17:18:52 GMT -8 HoudiniDerek said:

I'm sorry to hear this. *Hugs*

It honestly depends on what the bad news is and who it impacts.

Thanks.

I guess that makes sense. Because when my dad was dying it didn't bother me. Maybe because I wasn't close to him. 
But with my mom its totally killing me. And we are pretty close. I mean I live with her still.

[Caajscot (John)]

Sorry to hear of the bad news and as I have said to our son & daughter, life goes on so be strong and your ma will appreciate that. 

[Michelangelo "Spike" Scarlatti]

Jul 31, 2020 2:45:35 GMT -8 Caajscot (John) said:

Sorry to hear of the bad news and as I have said to our son & daughter, life goes on so be strong and your ma will appreciate that. 

It's hard to be strong. I am probably the weakest of her kids. 

[bigballofyarn]

It's hard, but it's helpful to accept that there are things in life that you cannot change or control. When you start preparing for a loss, you should start being thankful for what you shared. Pray for peace, strength, and wisdom. If you're not one to pray, I will pray for you and your family. Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end.

[Retread]

Jul 30, 2020 14:47:49 GMT -8 Michelangelo "Spike" Scarlatti said:

How do you deal with bad news?

For me it's a ten step process.

• Ask details so can fully understand the situation.
• Find a quiet place where I can be alone.
• Scream obscenities and/or cry.
• Take a breath and/or dry my tears.
• Say the Serenity Prayer
• Re-evaluate my life.
  
• Be thankful for what I had, even if I don't have it any longer.
  
• Be thankful for what I still have.
  
• Work toward making my life better.
  
• Find ways to make life better for those around me.
  

[Michelangelo "Spike" Scarlatti]

Jul 31, 2020 5:23:57 GMT -8 bigballofyarn said:

It's hard, but it's helpful to accept that there are things in life that you cannot change or control. When you start preparing for a loss, you should start being thankful for what you shared. Pray for peace, strength, and wisdom. If you're not one to pray, I will pray for you and your family. Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end.

I think what is making it hard on me right now is because these past like 2 months I have been really depressed and suicidal feeling. 
And all I can keep thinking is this isn't fair and it should be me not her. I want to die so let her live. I feel guilty for laughing while watching something funny on tv last night. I feel I shouldn't be happy while she is suffering. I know people have told me differently that life goes on and such but I can't seem to accept it this time. I don't want life to go on without her. I need her still. No matter how old I am.

[Michelangelo "Spike" Scarlatti]

Jul 31, 2020 5:48:58 GMT -8 Retread said:

Jul 30, 2020 14:47:49 GMT -8 Michelangelo "Spike" Scarlatti said:

How do you deal with bad news?

For me it's a ten step process.

• Ask details so can fully understand the situation.
• Find a quiet place where I can be alone.
• Scream obscenities and/or cry.
• Take a breath and/or dry my tears.
• Say the Serenity Prayer
• Re-evaluate my life.
  
• Be thankful for what I had, even if I don't have it any longer.
  
• Be thankful for what I still have.
  
• Work toward making my life better.
  
• Find ways to make life better for those around me.
  

I answered all your steps. I truly am trying my best but the bad part of me the one that tells me I shouldn't live when my mom dies is winning this time. I can't stop it.


1. I don't know if I will ever understand or I am just not wanting to understand this.



2. I am alone right now. Feels worse for me. I took a nap after I got out of bed this morning and when I woke I felt as if I couldn't breath. I still feel as if I am underwater or something.



3. Can't scream or neighbors will call the police on me. I did cry a lot and that is giving me a headache.



4. Still working on this part.

I feel calm a bit then the tears come on again.



5. Don't know this so I will have to google it.



6. Oh you don't want to know this one.



7. Working on this too.



8. Am thankful for all that I still have.



9. Stuck on this one.



10. You don't want to know the answer to this one either.

[bigballofyarn]

Jul 31, 2020 9:48:34 GMT -8 Michelangelo "Spike" Scarlatti said:

Jul 31, 2020 5:23:57 GMT -8 bigballofyarn said:

It's hard, but it's helpful to accept that there are things in life that you cannot change or control. When you start preparing for a loss, you should start being thankful for what you shared. Pray for peace, strength, and wisdom. If you're not one to pray, I will pray for you and your family. Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end.

I think what is making it hard on me right now is because these past like 2 months I have been really depressed and suicidal feeling. 
And all I can keep thinking is this isn't fair and it should be me not her. I want to die so let her live. I feel guilty for laughing while watching something funny on tv last night. I feel I shouldn't be happy while she is suffering. I know people have told me differently that life goes on and such but I can't seem to accept it this time. I don't want life to go on without her. I need her still. No matter how old I am.

Saying goodbye to someone you love can be crippling. So, I understand why you felt guilty over smiling.  Maybe you can consider that she would want you to be happy. She wouldn't want her troubles to affect you negatively.  Maybe you can try to smile for her. Hold your head up high. Your life is priceless and worth living. She will always be with you, whether in mind or in spirit. I know you will always find ways to communicate with her. Every memory you have of her will keep her alive. I'm sure you know that she would never want you to be in pain. Maybe you can start to think about all the ways SHE would want you to live.  Then, in every action you do in her honor, you will be keeping her alive.

[Michelangelo "Spike" Scarlatti]

Jul 31, 2020 9:55:58 GMT -8 bigballofyarn said:

Jul 31, 2020 9:48:34 GMT -8 Michelangelo "Spike" Scarlatti said:

I think what is making it hard on me right now is because these past like 2 months I have been really depressed and suicidal feeling. 
And all I can keep thinking is this isn't fair and it should be me not her. I want to die so let her live. I feel guilty for laughing while watching something funny on tv last night. I feel I shouldn't be happy while she is suffering. I know people have told me differently that life goes on and such but I can't seem to accept it this time. I don't want life to go on without her. I need her still. No matter how old I am.

Saying goodbye to someone you love can be crippling. So, I understand why you felt guilty over smiling.  Maybe you can consider that she would want you to be happy. She wouldn't want her troubles to affect you negatively.  Maybe you can try to smile for her. Hold your head up high. Your life is priceless and worth living. She will always be with you, whether in mind or in spirit. I know you will always find ways to communicate with her. Every memory you have of her will keep her alive. I'm sure you know that she would never want you to be in pain. Maybe you can start to think about all the ways SHE would want you to live.  Then, in every action you do in her honor, you will be keeping her alive.

I think I am beginning to realize I think I am afraid of losing her. But the worst part is being by myself after she passes. I am 46 and I have never lived on my own and I think that was scares me the most. 


It's just so confusing to feel this way right now with everything else I was feeling before we got her news. 

[bigballofyarn]

Jul 31, 2020 13:05:36 GMT -8 Michelangelo "Spike" Scarlatti said:

Jul 31, 2020 9:55:58 GMT -8 bigballofyarn said:

Saying goodbye to someone you love can be crippling. So, I understand why you felt guilty over smiling.  Maybe you can consider that she would want you to be happy. She wouldn't want her troubles to affect you negatively.  Maybe you can try to smile for her. Hold your head up high. Your life is priceless and worth living. She will always be with you, whether in mind or in spirit. I know you will always find ways to communicate with her. Every memory you have of her will keep her alive. I'm sure you know that she would never want you to be in pain. Maybe you can start to think about all the ways SHE would want you to live.  Then, in every action you do in her honor, you will be keeping her alive.

I think I am beginning to realize I think I am afraid of losing her. But the worst part is being by myself after she passes. I am 46 and I have never lived on my own and I think that was scares me the most. 


It's just so confusing to feel this way right now with everything else I was feeling before we got her news. 

I still don't know exactly what happened to her. So, I can only tell you that you have my sympathy.

I can understand why you are feeling overwhelmed.  There's a lot going on in the world even if you ignore family problems.  I don't think you're confused though. I think you know exactly how you are feeling, but that you might not know how to proceed or handle what you are feeling.  Perhaps you can write down what scares you and why. From there, you can decide what you can do to make the situation easier to handle.  I'm not saying that the fear of being alone should make you jump out and get a significant other. However, some friends could offer support that you may not be able to offer yourself. If you're not close with anyone in person, or can't see them because of whatever circumstances, online friends are amazing too.

[ZandraJoi]

I'm sorry for what you are going thru!
What you are feeling is normal. & I applaud you for coming here & talking about what & how you are feeling.
Re: being happy while she is suffering. I think of it this way- Wouldn't she want you to be happy & to live your life? Taking care of someone can take their toll on the caregivers. You need to take time out for Self-Care. Otherwise you will burn out.
Have you tried talking to her? Our loved ones tend to be intuitive. She'll know you are holding back & she may need/ want to talk just as much.
There's no easy answer.

[Michelangelo "Spike" Scarlatti]

Jul 31, 2020 17:32:36 GMT -8 ZandraJoi said:

I'm sorry for what you are going thru!
What you are feeling is normal. & I applaud you for coming here & talking about what & how you are feeling.
Re: being happy while she is suffering. I think of it this way- Wouldn't she want you to be happy & to live your life? Taking care of someone can take their toll on the caregivers. You need to take time out for Self-Care. Otherwise you will burn out.
Have you tried talking to her? Our loved ones tend to be intuitive. She'll know you are holding back & she may need/ want to talk just as much.
There's no easy answer.

Thanks. 
Yeah I suppose she would want that. I feel so guilty though feeling happy and living my life while she is suffering. I know I shouldn't. A lot of people told me that today. But I can't help but have a guilty feeling. 

I did talk to her a little and told her how I feel. But I don't want to burden her with my feelings when she probably has a ton of her own she can't express herself. 

[📚 Dianne 📚]

Jul 30, 2020 14:47:49 GMT -8 Michelangelo "Spike" Scarlatti said:

So I got bad news about my mom and all I have been doing is crying. I try not to cry around her so I don't worry her more. 

But I feel like I can't take this anymore.

I am truly sorry for whatever it is that is going on with your mom.  I assume that the news you received has something to do with her health? If so, then I may know what you are going through and if you would like to reach out for some support or advice,PM me anytime you want.  I'll be there.   

As far as the crying goes -this is going to sound odd-but have you tried screaming? Just go somewhere where you can be alone and scream into you pillow.  The screaming at the end of a good cry can be very therapeutic - at least temporarily and that is better than nothing.  I did this a lot when I had to make the decision that my Mom could no longer live on her own and when my dad was very ill and died.

EDITED---> I hadn't read this whole thread before I posted my opinion.  I'm sorry.  I didn't realized that you were so depressed. And suicidal feelings are never a good thing.  In my humble opinion you need more help (and professional help) that you can get at a forum like this.  But my offer to PM me still stands.