How do you deal with bad news?
Aug 1, 2020 6:08:14 GMT -8
Michelangelo "Spike" Scarlatti, :~:Sarapha:~:, and 2 more like this
Post by wildmaven on Aug 1, 2020 6:08:14 GMT -8
Depression when someone you love is ill is extremely common and you need to seek help if you feel that you can't handle it properly on your own. As compassionate beings, we all have the need to fix things, and when we can't, it can be overwhelming.
I compiled this for the spouses of my cancer patients, but a lot of it can be helpful for anyone going through the heartbreak of a loved one's illness:
When your spouse/partner has Cancer
Cancer can be a relationship-threatening trauma.
When we find the man or woman of our dreams, our soul mate and best friend, we expect to be together for a lifetime, despite the odds against it with 6 of 10 marriages today ending in divorce. We truly believe that we will be together "for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, ‘til death us do part." And then life intrudes: becoming a couple, learning to balance needs, the joy and awesome responsibility of becoming and being parents, managing careers and handling money.
If a relationship is sound, it can weather any storm, survive virtually any trauma. If the relationship is not on solid ground, a trauma, almost any trauma or stress, can lead to its demise. That may account for the fact that nearly seven in ten marriages touched by cancer do not survive. The following are suggestions to spouses on how to be there for your loved one, how to help him/her become and remain a survivor, and thus allow your relationship to thrive.
1. I Love You
In a marriage or any intimate relationship, silence is not golden. The strong silent type need not apply for the position of lover, best friend, confidante and supporter of a person with cancer. Your spouse needs and wants to hear from you. Actions may speak louder than words, and you may take all the right actions, but speaking words brings comfort, reassurance and knowledge of your inner feelings. He/she cannot read your mind. Being there is more than physical or economic security. Words have meaning. And the three most important words in the English language at this time, at this moment, when together you are facing mortality, are: "I love you."
2. Say "Yes"
If you’ve ever traveled with someone else in a car, you’ve spent time while lost. One suggests, perhaps timidly and quietly, that it might be a good idea to stop and ask for directions. The other is offended, because he/she has a good, no, a GREAT sense of direction. The moments tick by. The driver is becoming exasperated and hitting the gas. Finally, in disgust, the car pulls into a gas station and the occupant asks for directions. Many never ask for help, not even simple directions. Understand that the people asking to help need your "Yes" as much as you. Ask for help. Say "yes" when it’s offered. You’ll be better for it.
3. Humor Heals
You cannot laugh while feeling sorry for yourself. Seeing the humor in any situation brings relief and release.
4. I Love You, Not Your Body
Despite our nation’s growing obesity, we are a body image fixated society, from Betty Grable pinups in World War II, Marilyn Monroe and Jane Mansfield in the 1950’s and 1960’s to Salma Hayek, Paris Hilton and Pamela Anderson today. Your loved one needs to know that you love who they are, not what type of body they have. They need reassurance in the face of an assault on their body. They need to know by what you say and what you do that this set of circumstances is not the end of your sex life, but rather a new, sometimes frightening, and exciting sex life with heightened sensitivity and caring.
5. Go to The Appointments
Go to the multitude of appointments with your partner, as much as you can, holding hands literally and figuratively. It is not what you do when you accompany them to treatment, but rather the act itself that speaks volumes to them. It also gives you some sense of empowerment. You are more than a helpless spectator cursing the damned disease. You have joined the battle. You are helping wrest control from the cancer along with your partner, friends, your treatment team and all of the support system around you. There is also a practical side. Hearing a diagnosis of cancer overwhelms the senses. Doctors try to help you understand, but their daily jargon, the language of medicine, might as well be classical Greek or Latin. With two of you there, there are two sets of ears to hear what is said. There are two mouths to ask questions. This helps avoid the tendency to hear what you want to hear. Being with your partner each time will reassure, help overcome, and make you feel good about yourself. Your partner will love you for it.
6. She/he is not an Invalid
Your partner is not fragile and won’t break. Treatment can be grueling and tiring, but you both need to live your life as fully as possible. Continue to do what you enjoy, individually and as a couple, particularly the latter. It is called zest for living, being in the “now”. Let your partner do anything he/she is up to trying. You need to take your cues from your partner. They know what they can do, or how tired they may be feeling, whether it’s a good day or not. When they’re ready, encourage and support them without pushing. Get out when he/she’s ready.
7. Lemonade from Lemons
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Discover a profound sense of being one with each other. Reality may break in and shatter the moment, but you persevere. A good marriage, or a solid relationship, will not only get through the trauma of cancer, the marriage will be strengthened and be the better for it. Go figure.
8. He/She is not damaged goods
A man attending a prostate cancer support group expressed concern about being "damaged goods" following prostate cancer treatment. Your partner is not damaged goods. He/she remains the person you fell in love with, the person you committed to for a lifetime together.
9. Find time together
You and your spouse/partner should find a quiet half hour in the week sit down with some tea, wine, or coffee, and talk. Communication could be a significant factor in recovery since the rate and quality of recovery from cancer has been linked to the amount of support and interpersonal interaction the patient has with their partner. However, if there is no talk about the illness and its treatment, then the patient is at increased risk.
10. Be ready to lose control
Your spouse needs to feel in control of the situation. Let the patient talk first when the doctor asks questions (you can add your part at the end, if they have forgotten anything), let them decided what to have for dinner, when to make appointments. The more control the patient feels they have, the faster the recovery time and the better their mental health. Overprotectiveness is anxiety based, a reaction to fear of losing your loved one. However, now is the time to let go a little, let them take the reins.
11. Remember
Cancer affects the whole family. Open, honest communication is essential in meeting your partner’s needs. It is normal to feel hurt, somewhat helpless, and grieve along with your spouse. Seek out support for yourself. Make sure to take care of yourself, even if you don’t feel like it. Practical ways to help include assuring your partner of your unconditional love and participation in his/her care, attending appointments together, helping out with household chores, and helping to deal with insurance companies and finances. Anger or withdrawal can signal the need for time alone to sort through her life and emotions. Intimacy may be temporarily halted but the cancer journey can present an opportunity to grow in love.
Now is the time to live your life to its fullest together. Hold, Love, Smile, Cry, Laugh with each other. Yes, you can still have "negative" feelings and emotions. You are still human beings in the ebb and flow of a loving relationship that is more intense than most of those around you.
A good resource for cancer mental health is:
www.cancercare.org
Depression/Suicide help:
au.reachout.com/
www.suicide.org/
www.samhsa.gov/find-help/national-helpline
I compiled this for the spouses of my cancer patients, but a lot of it can be helpful for anyone going through the heartbreak of a loved one's illness:
When your spouse/partner has Cancer
Cancer can be a relationship-threatening trauma.
When we find the man or woman of our dreams, our soul mate and best friend, we expect to be together for a lifetime, despite the odds against it with 6 of 10 marriages today ending in divorce. We truly believe that we will be together "for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, ‘til death us do part." And then life intrudes: becoming a couple, learning to balance needs, the joy and awesome responsibility of becoming and being parents, managing careers and handling money.
If a relationship is sound, it can weather any storm, survive virtually any trauma. If the relationship is not on solid ground, a trauma, almost any trauma or stress, can lead to its demise. That may account for the fact that nearly seven in ten marriages touched by cancer do not survive. The following are suggestions to spouses on how to be there for your loved one, how to help him/her become and remain a survivor, and thus allow your relationship to thrive.
1. I Love You
In a marriage or any intimate relationship, silence is not golden. The strong silent type need not apply for the position of lover, best friend, confidante and supporter of a person with cancer. Your spouse needs and wants to hear from you. Actions may speak louder than words, and you may take all the right actions, but speaking words brings comfort, reassurance and knowledge of your inner feelings. He/she cannot read your mind. Being there is more than physical or economic security. Words have meaning. And the three most important words in the English language at this time, at this moment, when together you are facing mortality, are: "I love you."
2. Say "Yes"
If you’ve ever traveled with someone else in a car, you’ve spent time while lost. One suggests, perhaps timidly and quietly, that it might be a good idea to stop and ask for directions. The other is offended, because he/she has a good, no, a GREAT sense of direction. The moments tick by. The driver is becoming exasperated and hitting the gas. Finally, in disgust, the car pulls into a gas station and the occupant asks for directions. Many never ask for help, not even simple directions. Understand that the people asking to help need your "Yes" as much as you. Ask for help. Say "yes" when it’s offered. You’ll be better for it.
3. Humor Heals
You cannot laugh while feeling sorry for yourself. Seeing the humor in any situation brings relief and release.
4. I Love You, Not Your Body
Despite our nation’s growing obesity, we are a body image fixated society, from Betty Grable pinups in World War II, Marilyn Monroe and Jane Mansfield in the 1950’s and 1960’s to Salma Hayek, Paris Hilton and Pamela Anderson today. Your loved one needs to know that you love who they are, not what type of body they have. They need reassurance in the face of an assault on their body. They need to know by what you say and what you do that this set of circumstances is not the end of your sex life, but rather a new, sometimes frightening, and exciting sex life with heightened sensitivity and caring.
5. Go to The Appointments
Go to the multitude of appointments with your partner, as much as you can, holding hands literally and figuratively. It is not what you do when you accompany them to treatment, but rather the act itself that speaks volumes to them. It also gives you some sense of empowerment. You are more than a helpless spectator cursing the damned disease. You have joined the battle. You are helping wrest control from the cancer along with your partner, friends, your treatment team and all of the support system around you. There is also a practical side. Hearing a diagnosis of cancer overwhelms the senses. Doctors try to help you understand, but their daily jargon, the language of medicine, might as well be classical Greek or Latin. With two of you there, there are two sets of ears to hear what is said. There are two mouths to ask questions. This helps avoid the tendency to hear what you want to hear. Being with your partner each time will reassure, help overcome, and make you feel good about yourself. Your partner will love you for it.
6. She/he is not an Invalid
Your partner is not fragile and won’t break. Treatment can be grueling and tiring, but you both need to live your life as fully as possible. Continue to do what you enjoy, individually and as a couple, particularly the latter. It is called zest for living, being in the “now”. Let your partner do anything he/she is up to trying. You need to take your cues from your partner. They know what they can do, or how tired they may be feeling, whether it’s a good day or not. When they’re ready, encourage and support them without pushing. Get out when he/she’s ready.
7. Lemonade from Lemons
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Discover a profound sense of being one with each other. Reality may break in and shatter the moment, but you persevere. A good marriage, or a solid relationship, will not only get through the trauma of cancer, the marriage will be strengthened and be the better for it. Go figure.
8. He/She is not damaged goods
A man attending a prostate cancer support group expressed concern about being "damaged goods" following prostate cancer treatment. Your partner is not damaged goods. He/she remains the person you fell in love with, the person you committed to for a lifetime together.
9. Find time together
You and your spouse/partner should find a quiet half hour in the week sit down with some tea, wine, or coffee, and talk. Communication could be a significant factor in recovery since the rate and quality of recovery from cancer has been linked to the amount of support and interpersonal interaction the patient has with their partner. However, if there is no talk about the illness and its treatment, then the patient is at increased risk.
10. Be ready to lose control
Your spouse needs to feel in control of the situation. Let the patient talk first when the doctor asks questions (you can add your part at the end, if they have forgotten anything), let them decided what to have for dinner, when to make appointments. The more control the patient feels they have, the faster the recovery time and the better their mental health. Overprotectiveness is anxiety based, a reaction to fear of losing your loved one. However, now is the time to let go a little, let them take the reins.
11. Remember
Cancer affects the whole family. Open, honest communication is essential in meeting your partner’s needs. It is normal to feel hurt, somewhat helpless, and grieve along with your spouse. Seek out support for yourself. Make sure to take care of yourself, even if you don’t feel like it. Practical ways to help include assuring your partner of your unconditional love and participation in his/her care, attending appointments together, helping out with household chores, and helping to deal with insurance companies and finances. Anger or withdrawal can signal the need for time alone to sort through her life and emotions. Intimacy may be temporarily halted but the cancer journey can present an opportunity to grow in love.
Now is the time to live your life to its fullest together. Hold, Love, Smile, Cry, Laugh with each other. Yes, you can still have "negative" feelings and emotions. You are still human beings in the ebb and flow of a loving relationship that is more intense than most of those around you.
A good resource for cancer mental health is:
www.cancercare.org
Depression/Suicide help:
au.reachout.com/
www.suicide.org/
www.samhsa.gov/find-help/national-helpline
PM me if you'd like more information!!